Keeping in check

The Hubs and I don’t really fight much. When we do it’s usually me being sensitive or feeling overwhelmed by something. I more thinking about those times when everyone one is tired and cranky. How do you keep yourself in check? I have a really hard time getting off my sassy horse when Joanna’s crying and everything that the hubs is doing to try and help doesn’t meet my expectations. I don’t want Joanna to see me being snappy at her daddy and vise versa. Unfortunately I am super dry and sarcastic; these are traits I would love to not have in my personality. The only purpose these traits have served for me is making everyone think I am “MEAN.” I’m not a mean person and I’m not the alfa b*tch wife. I am strong and just like to do things my own way. Who doesn’t? I just want to have more tools in my bag that help keep me calm, nice, and sweet, instead of cold, dry, and sarcastic. I want to be the best mommy and wife possible for my family and not pass down any of my ugly personality traits.

Disconnected

I’ve been feeling very disconnected with Joanna this past week. I think it’s mostly because I’m unhappy with her daycare at the moment. Since I can’t seem to put it all into words the bottom line is that her teacher is only there from 8-5. I don’t get to talk to her when we drop Joanna off nor when we pick her up since we work the same hours. I just don’t feel like I know what is happening in her day. Is she happy? Did she eat well? Did she interact during group activities? All these things that I want to hear from her teacher. I do get a piece of paper everyday that vaguely describes her day but it’s just not enough for me. When Joanna was in the infant room we would talk to her teachers for like 15-20min in the morning and the evening. Joanna was always happy when we picked her up and all was dandy.

Well…the past two weeks have not been like this at all! We drop her off in the infant room since her teacher isn’t there yet and we pick her up in the infant room since her teacher is already gone. We still have nice conversations with the infant teachers but they just don’t know how she was all day in the toddler room. Joanna also doesn’t seem happy when we pick her up. It might just be because she’s really tired but I don’t like that the second she sees us it’s like she falls apart. It also makes for a very long 45 min commute home. I don’t know maybe this is just mom guilt and it’s all in my head. I’m just super worried about my little Bug. Tonight calls for lots of extra snuggle time!

Comparing

My life long friend over at Journal of a Mom wrote this great post today about comparing ourselves to other mothers. She writes about being who you are and to stop trying to fit into this perfect mold of a stereotypical mother. I totally agree with her whole post but it’s from a completely different point of view. It’s funny to be how we can all feel the same way about something but for different reasons.

I struggle with comparing myself because I feel like I am that stereotypical mom but I can’t be because I’m stuck in a cubical from 8-5. All I want to do is stay home put dinner on the table, clean, bake and do crafty things all day. I want to sit on the floor and sing songs with Joanna. Go play at the park and have play dates with friends. These feelings really get me down on a daily basis. We have an exit plan for me to stay home but it doesn’t feel anywhere in reach. Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning myself with comparisons to stay at home moms. The envy can be unbearable. I have to remind myself several times a day that I’m still a good mother. I’m still Joanna’s number one. I have to remind myself that other people aren’t raising my child. The examples Mike and I set in our home will always have the biggest influence on her. She will always come to us for comfort and to share her joy. I might miss some “first moments” but it will be just as special the first time I see her do whatever it maybe. Sometimes I get angry when stay at home moms say how hard there lives are because all I can think of is how badly I want to stay home. I feel like saying I’ll trade you the getting up at 530am, the two hours a day on the road, and the 8pm dinners. Most of all I’ll trade you the guilt.

Having to put all these feeling aside and be the mom I’m meant to be is a daily routine. I know I’m a good mom. I know Joanna is with good people when she not with me. I know that Joanna will love me no matter if I’m working or staying home. If we all supported one another as mothers no matter what our personal situation might be maybe there would be less comparison. The focus should be happy mothers and happy children.

List Making

I’ve been focusing a lot of my energy this week on Meal Planning and List Making. I get this way when I start to feel like I don’t have enough control of my life. This time I feel like I’m actually making some real progress on my Meal Plan. I want to make this meal plan work so badly. I’m the only cook in the house and I’m sure most of you know how that goes... The hubs can make some scrambled eggs and box Mac & cheese but that’s about as far as it goes. I get to like day three of cooking and want to go out to eat but with the new budget going out to eat needs to be few and far between. I want to focus more on healthier meals and less wasteful buying at the grocery store. The grocery list will reflect exactly what’s on the meal plan plus whatever paper good and toiletries. THAT’S IT! Nothing more nothing less. I have this huge fear for some reason about not having enough food in the house so I tend to always pick up extra stuff “just incase” incase what? Does anyone else have this ridiculous fear? Like I won’t be able to run out to the Fresh and Easy across the street if we run out of food. SILLY

I’m also working on a list of goals for 2011. Some are personal goals and some are family goals. Again I feel like a chicken with its head cut off when I don’t have a path to follow. I hate the feeling of being in limbo. We don’t plan on having another baby for awhile so I need to focus my energy else where. I feel the baby itch coming on already. This list has most of your basics loss weight, exercise, get life insurance, and write a will. You know the stuff normal people think about on a daily basis. When did I turn into this crazy list making, ultra planning, freak person! It’s like if I don’t have something to work on I’m totally lost. I’m like this at work too. I have a daily plan that I follow. I have check list for almost everything and when something gets thrown off it’s like I don’t even know how to do my job. The bottom line is I love my lists and even if I don’t look at them again after I write them I feel more able to attack my life. I guess it's kind of a tool to organize my thoughts.

Out with the old

It was an exciting and monumental weekend for The Thompson family. We bought a new car! We have been debating over a new car for months now. I mean like close to a year. The hubs and I are huge planners and very sensible spenders. We hardly buy ourselves anything. We just have no room in our budget for any extras. We’re trying to plan so that in another year to two years I can stay home and raise our family.

Our car situation has really sucked for awhile now. My car which I’ve had since I was sixteen thank you very much has been overheating since the beginning of summer. This has limited its use to grocery store trips and local errands only. When we returned from vacationing over the Thanksgiving holiday the battery had died. We decided to do nothing about it while we continued to figure out a way to afford a new car.

The hubs car on the other hand has been running like a champ! He got it brand new in 2006 and has had no major repairs. The only two major problems with his car (and these are only problems to me not him) is it’s a two door and a manual. That makes it not very car seat friendly and I can’t drive a stick. I know what some of you are saying “Just learn to drive a stick Julie.” Well I have this little thing called anxiety and sometimes it’s hard enough just to drive an automatic. I think I’m a very good driver but I have a fear of driving. I think this fear developed as my car got older than dirt and I stopped feeling safe. All this being said we’ve put a lot of miles on his car and needed something to split the load before we have two dead cars.

Well the day finally came and on Saturday March 5^th 2011 we dropped Joanna off with a sitter and purchased our first new car together. I was beyond excited about the car and was even more excited at how much my credit score had improved since we bought the house. I ventured into the credit world way to young and have spent the last 5-8 years trying to repair it and boy was it a success! I’m so grateful and thankful that we’ve been giving the opportunity for our family to have a safe new car.

Separation and Biting

My poor Joanna has been having a hard time at daycare lately. This kind of thing is what makes working outside the home really hard for a momma. I have been feeling guilty everyday for the past 3 weeks leaving her at school. With no end in sight for me being able to leave my job and stay home, I'm trying super hard not to melt down about Joanna's struggles. I miss her a ton! I'm always thinking about the time I will never get back with her but I also think about how nice it will be for her future to have financially secure parents. I pray that a few years of sacrifice will pay off big time in the end. I also do enjoy working.

Any who back to Joanna and school. It started about 3 weeks ago when Joanna's school closed. They company that owns the school decided not to re-new the lease on the building. Joanna's whole school (teacher and all) packed up and moved into a sister school. One week after the move into the new building they started to transition her into the toddler room. She hates it! She doesn't know the teacher since it's not one of the teachers from her original school. They don't nap in cribs and they eat at little tables. I mean that is a lot of changes for a 12 month old. During that same week my Grandma passed away and things got really hectic. The weekend of the funeral was really hard on Joanna. There was a lot of driving around so her getting in and out of the car numerous times (she has never really liked the car anyways.) Plus all the people she was around and no nap or eating schedule. She barely napped or ate for 3 days. Things just got worst from this point. She got a double ear infection and was having some fevers. She was totally not herself and all she wanted was for me to hold her. I think all of this has triggered separation anxiety. She now cries every time we leave her. Even at my Moms house.

Top all this stuff off with Joanna getting bit yesterday and you have one sad momma leaving her baby to be watched by others. This whole parenting thing is super hard!