Mommy Bloggers and working out side the home.

I have not been writing on my blog because I've been feeling very discouraged by the mommy blogging world. I still love reading blogs but haven't felt like writing since my life seems so different from the stay at home moms and the stay at home working moms. I just simply don't have time to be going to play groups, making cute crafts and selling them on esty, and feeling the pressure to be this trendy mom is to overwhelming for me.

Today I read a post on Babble from Melissa at Dear Baby and it encouraged me to get back on here and write. Moms that work outside of the home need just as much support as the moms that stay home. I think I speak for most working moms that our biggest hurdle is mom guilt. This is a daily struggle for me. I feel guilty that I can't be home with my daughter there fore I feel guilty if I give myself to blogging, working out, and anything that may take time away from her. I hope that through my blog and Melissa's that a new world of working mother will come out of the wood works and encourage each other.

Changing Tide

The tides seem to be changing in my life. The weather is getting warmer and our life seems to be slowing down. I’m super excited about this change because it will allow me to focus on my family and my home. This summer will be more relaxed, no running around, no big trips, and no infant that we have to try and shade from the summer heat. I look forward to having more time with friends, getting our house painted and decorated. I also have swim lessons lined up for Joanna. I just love that my calendar is almost blank and intend to keep it that way. We need a break. I need a break.

I Left My Heart in San Francisco

The loveliness of Paris seems somehow sadly grey

The glory that was Rome is of another day

I’ve been terribly alone and forgotten in Manhattan

I’m going home to my city by the bay

I left my heart in San Francisco

High on a hill, it calls to me

To be where little cable cars climb halfway to the stars

The morning fog may chill the air, I don’t care

My love waits there in San Francisco

Above the blue and windy sea

When I come home to you, San Francisco

Your golden sun will shine on me

Leaving on a jet plane

I am in full trip planning mode since we leave on Saturday for our weekend getaway to California. I’m super nervous about flying with Joanna since she is in the middle of a teething nightmare. I believe she is cutting two in front and two molars but she won’t let me get a good look in her mouth so I’m not positive. Our plane also has to make a stop in Long Beach before heading to San Jose so that adds 45 min to the flight. We didn’t buy her a set to save money but I’m kind of regretting that decision. I hope maybe they will have some extra sets so that we can bring her car seat onboard. This is my game plan….

1.)    Feed Joanna her breakfast. Our flight leaves around 7:45am which is breakfast time so I’m really crossing my fingers we can hold her off till we get on the plane.

2.)    I have crayons, paper, and stickers I hope this last at least 30 min

3.)    I also bought pipe cleaners since I read kids her age seem to be fascinated by them so hopefully that last around 20 min

4.)    During the stop I hope that maybe Hubs is able to get up with her and maybe let her walk around a bit. This will also be Mommies regroup time. The Hubs is a ton of help don’t get me wrong but Momma carries most of the weight/stress and I have a totally Mommy’s Girl!

5.)    Story time- My girl loves books!

6.)    DVD- Best of Elmo 2 is still the only video she will watch for more than 5min. She will actually watch the whole 45min video over and over again. I just not to sure how this is going to work since she wont keep headphones on and I can’t just turn the volume way up.

Well I hope it goes well and Joanna stays a happy girl. I also hope I’m able to stay calm since I know she feeds off our emotions.

P.S. - I am bringing Benadryl but I will only use it if we’re desperate. I’m not big on drugging my kid up plus I don’t want her to be all groggy when we get there and she can’t even play with her cousin.

Water for Elephants

Sorry I haven’t blog all week. I’ve had my head buried in a book. All of you that know me now that I’m a total Twilight nerd so when I saw the preview for Robert Pattinsons new movie I knew I had to read the book. I’m so glad I did and it was a very easy read which wins huge points in my book. I don’t have the greatest reading comprehension so if I have to look up words in the dictionary or read a page numerous times to get what’s going on I lose interest. I haven’t read many books in my adult life because of this so easy reads are best for me. Parts of this book were very emotional for me because he’s telling his story as a 93 year old man in a nursing home. My 92 year old Grandmother died recently so the way the author describes his life in the nursing home is eerily fresh in my mind. Overall the book is just a sweet love story. None of the elements are missing it has anger, sadness, envy, longing and love. So… if you’re on the look out for your next good read pick up Water of Elephants by Sara Gruen and also leave a suggestion for me. I don't know what I should read next.

Keeping in check

The Hubs and I don’t really fight much. When we do it’s usually me being sensitive or feeling overwhelmed by something. I more thinking about those times when everyone one is tired and cranky. How do you keep yourself in check? I have a really hard time getting off my sassy horse when Joanna’s crying and everything that the hubs is doing to try and help doesn’t meet my expectations. I don’t want Joanna to see me being snappy at her daddy and vise versa. Unfortunately I am super dry and sarcastic; these are traits I would love to not have in my personality. The only purpose these traits have served for me is making everyone think I am “MEAN.” I’m not a mean person and I’m not the alfa b*tch wife. I am strong and just like to do things my own way. Who doesn’t? I just want to have more tools in my bag that help keep me calm, nice, and sweet, instead of cold, dry, and sarcastic. I want to be the best mommy and wife possible for my family and not pass down any of my ugly personality traits.

Disconnected

I’ve been feeling very disconnected with Joanna this past week. I think it’s mostly because I’m unhappy with her daycare at the moment. Since I can’t seem to put it all into words the bottom line is that her teacher is only there from 8-5. I don’t get to talk to her when we drop Joanna off nor when we pick her up since we work the same hours. I just don’t feel like I know what is happening in her day. Is she happy? Did she eat well? Did she interact during group activities? All these things that I want to hear from her teacher. I do get a piece of paper everyday that vaguely describes her day but it’s just not enough for me. When Joanna was in the infant room we would talk to her teachers for like 15-20min in the morning and the evening. Joanna was always happy when we picked her up and all was dandy.

Well…the past two weeks have not been like this at all! We drop her off in the infant room since her teacher isn’t there yet and we pick her up in the infant room since her teacher is already gone. We still have nice conversations with the infant teachers but they just don’t know how she was all day in the toddler room. Joanna also doesn’t seem happy when we pick her up. It might just be because she’s really tired but I don’t like that the second she sees us it’s like she falls apart. It also makes for a very long 45 min commute home. I don’t know maybe this is just mom guilt and it’s all in my head. I’m just super worried about my little Bug. Tonight calls for lots of extra snuggle time!

Comparing

My life long friend over at Journal of a Mom wrote this great post today about comparing ourselves to other mothers. She writes about being who you are and to stop trying to fit into this perfect mold of a stereotypical mother. I totally agree with her whole post but it’s from a completely different point of view. It’s funny to be how we can all feel the same way about something but for different reasons.

I struggle with comparing myself because I feel like I am that stereotypical mom but I can’t be because I’m stuck in a cubical from 8-5. All I want to do is stay home put dinner on the table, clean, bake and do crafty things all day. I want to sit on the floor and sing songs with Joanna. Go play at the park and have play dates with friends. These feelings really get me down on a daily basis. We have an exit plan for me to stay home but it doesn’t feel anywhere in reach. Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning myself with comparisons to stay at home moms. The envy can be unbearable. I have to remind myself several times a day that I’m still a good mother. I’m still Joanna’s number one. I have to remind myself that other people aren’t raising my child. The examples Mike and I set in our home will always have the biggest influence on her. She will always come to us for comfort and to share her joy. I might miss some “first moments” but it will be just as special the first time I see her do whatever it maybe. Sometimes I get angry when stay at home moms say how hard there lives are because all I can think of is how badly I want to stay home. I feel like saying I’ll trade you the getting up at 530am, the two hours a day on the road, and the 8pm dinners. Most of all I’ll trade you the guilt.

Having to put all these feeling aside and be the mom I’m meant to be is a daily routine. I know I’m a good mom. I know Joanna is with good people when she not with me. I know that Joanna will love me no matter if I’m working or staying home. If we all supported one another as mothers no matter what our personal situation might be maybe there would be less comparison. The focus should be happy mothers and happy children.

List Making

I’ve been focusing a lot of my energy this week on Meal Planning and List Making. I get this way when I start to feel like I don’t have enough control of my life. This time I feel like I’m actually making some real progress on my Meal Plan. I want to make this meal plan work so badly. I’m the only cook in the house and I’m sure most of you know how that goes... The hubs can make some scrambled eggs and box Mac & cheese but that’s about as far as it goes. I get to like day three of cooking and want to go out to eat but with the new budget going out to eat needs to be few and far between. I want to focus more on healthier meals and less wasteful buying at the grocery store. The grocery list will reflect exactly what’s on the meal plan plus whatever paper good and toiletries. THAT’S IT! Nothing more nothing less. I have this huge fear for some reason about not having enough food in the house so I tend to always pick up extra stuff “just incase” incase what? Does anyone else have this ridiculous fear? Like I won’t be able to run out to the Fresh and Easy across the street if we run out of food. SILLY

I’m also working on a list of goals for 2011. Some are personal goals and some are family goals. Again I feel like a chicken with its head cut off when I don’t have a path to follow. I hate the feeling of being in limbo. We don’t plan on having another baby for awhile so I need to focus my energy else where. I feel the baby itch coming on already. This list has most of your basics loss weight, exercise, get life insurance, and write a will. You know the stuff normal people think about on a daily basis. When did I turn into this crazy list making, ultra planning, freak person! It’s like if I don’t have something to work on I’m totally lost. I’m like this at work too. I have a daily plan that I follow. I have check list for almost everything and when something gets thrown off it’s like I don’t even know how to do my job. The bottom line is I love my lists and even if I don’t look at them again after I write them I feel more able to attack my life. I guess it's kind of a tool to organize my thoughts.

Out with the old

It was an exciting and monumental weekend for The Thompson family. We bought a new car! We have been debating over a new car for months now. I mean like close to a year. The hubs and I are huge planners and very sensible spenders. We hardly buy ourselves anything. We just have no room in our budget for any extras. We’re trying to plan so that in another year to two years I can stay home and raise our family.

Our car situation has really sucked for awhile now. My car which I’ve had since I was sixteen thank you very much has been overheating since the beginning of summer. This has limited its use to grocery store trips and local errands only. When we returned from vacationing over the Thanksgiving holiday the battery had died. We decided to do nothing about it while we continued to figure out a way to afford a new car.

The hubs car on the other hand has been running like a champ! He got it brand new in 2006 and has had no major repairs. The only two major problems with his car (and these are only problems to me not him) is it’s a two door and a manual. That makes it not very car seat friendly and I can’t drive a stick. I know what some of you are saying “Just learn to drive a stick Julie.” Well I have this little thing called anxiety and sometimes it’s hard enough just to drive an automatic. I think I’m a very good driver but I have a fear of driving. I think this fear developed as my car got older than dirt and I stopped feeling safe. All this being said we’ve put a lot of miles on his car and needed something to split the load before we have two dead cars.

Well the day finally came and on Saturday March 5^th 2011 we dropped Joanna off with a sitter and purchased our first new car together. I was beyond excited about the car and was even more excited at how much my credit score had improved since we bought the house. I ventured into the credit world way to young and have spent the last 5-8 years trying to repair it and boy was it a success! I’m so grateful and thankful that we’ve been giving the opportunity for our family to have a safe new car.

Separation and Biting

My poor Joanna has been having a hard time at daycare lately. This kind of thing is what makes working outside the home really hard for a momma. I have been feeling guilty everyday for the past 3 weeks leaving her at school. With no end in sight for me being able to leave my job and stay home, I'm trying super hard not to melt down about Joanna's struggles. I miss her a ton! I'm always thinking about the time I will never get back with her but I also think about how nice it will be for her future to have financially secure parents. I pray that a few years of sacrifice will pay off big time in the end. I also do enjoy working.

Any who back to Joanna and school. It started about 3 weeks ago when Joanna's school closed. They company that owns the school decided not to re-new the lease on the building. Joanna's whole school (teacher and all) packed up and moved into a sister school. One week after the move into the new building they started to transition her into the toddler room. She hates it! She doesn't know the teacher since it's not one of the teachers from her original school. They don't nap in cribs and they eat at little tables. I mean that is a lot of changes for a 12 month old. During that same week my Grandma passed away and things got really hectic. The weekend of the funeral was really hard on Joanna. There was a lot of driving around so her getting in and out of the car numerous times (she has never really liked the car anyways.) Plus all the people she was around and no nap or eating schedule. She barely napped or ate for 3 days. Things just got worst from this point. She got a double ear infection and was having some fevers. She was totally not herself and all she wanted was for me to hold her. I think all of this has triggered separation anxiety. She now cries every time we leave her. Even at my Moms house.

Top all this stuff off with Joanna getting bit yesterday and you have one sad momma leaving her baby to be watched by others. This whole parenting thing is super hard!

Day in the life of...

Since today is Monday and I'm having a huge case of "the Mondays" I thought I would share how my typical day goes.

5:15am- The alarm goes off. I don't even hear the alarm anymore since my husband controls it so I don't normal get up till it's been snoozed once or twice.
5:30am- Get out of bed. Since this is too late for me to do anything I shower and leave my hair wet. This is the only time I'm thankful for curly hair.
6:00am- Wake up Joanna and give her a bottle. I have no idea what we're going to do once we've weaned her from the bottle since there is NO time to eat breakfast.
6:20-6:35am- We need to be out the door. Closer to 6:20 on days my Mom watches Joanna and later on Daycare days.
7:40am- I finally arrive at work. If I haven't already put my make-up on in the car I do it first thing at my desk. I try and check my personal email and a few other things before it's time to start work. I also eat breakfast. Most of the time it's a bowl of cereal.
8am-5pm- My normal working hours. I'm lucky that my job is pretty relaxed. I'm also unlucky that my job is pretty relaxed because I spent about 50% of this time thinking about being at home with Joanna. I dying to figure out a way to make the same amount of money and stay home with her. If anyone knows of anything please let me know.
5-5:20pm- Is spent waiting for the hubs to come pick me up since we carpool.
5:20-6pm- Picking up Joanna. Since we tend to be social butterflies we can't just run in pick up Joanna and go. We have to spend an average of 30 minutes chatting it up with either my Mom or school teachers.
6:45-7pm- We finally arrive home.
7-7:30pm- Prepping for Joanna going to bed. Some nights are bath nights. Some nights are just jammies and quiet play.
7:30-8pm- Joanna bottle and bed. We have such a good bed time baby. She drinks her bottle while we cuddle on the couch then up to her room were she just lays down and goes to sleep. If she cries I know something is wrong because she never cries at bed time.
8pm- I find/prepare something for us to eat for dinner and we spend about an hour unwinding with our dinner in front of the t.v.
9-10pm- We spend this hour doing things for the next day. Well the hubs is usually doing dishes while I'm chopping food for Joanna and packing our lunches. If this doesn't get done at night I'm up at 5am doing it so we would rather do it at night.
10pm- BED TIME!!!YIPPEE!! OH JUST TO GET UP AND DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN!!!

Relationships

Do you ever feel like your relationships with people are inappropriate?

How do you change your relationship with someone?

I've been asking myself these questions a lot lately. I have yet to find an answer. I feel like I want closer relationships with some people and I want to distance myself from others. The thing that makes this so hard is that everyone has a different idea about what an appropriate should be. I want to strive to have good, healthy, and strong relationships with my family and friends. Relationships where there are clear boundaries. I want to stop myself from crossing these lines with others and get the same in return. I feel like people are crossing these lines with me and in an attempt to keep people behind the line I've ruined relationships. I don't feel like people respect my wishes. They don't respect the kind of family my husband and I want to build. I know that most of you know that when you become a parent everything changes. Your whole view of the world is different. I want my daughter to be surrounded by these good relationships. I want her to know that I'm her Mother not her best friend. I want her to know that it's not okay for people to cross over her comfort zone. This issue is such a struggle for me. I'm open to some advise.

Heavier Things

Warning this is an emotional post.

Romans 14:8For if we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. Therefore, whether we live or die, we are the Lord's.

Some of you may now this but we lost my Grandma last week 2-9-11. When ever anyone close to you dies the pain is beyond words. I am deeply saddened that Joanna will not remember her Great Grandma. My Grandma's middle name is Joanne and always went by the name Jo. Joanna(Jo) is named after her and Mike's Grandma June. This name sake is so special to us because these women mean the world and we loved them dearly.

Grandma lived a full amazing life. 91 years, 2 children, 7 grandchildren, 16 great grandchildren, and numerous others that called her mom, grandma etc. She touched the lives of so many people. Everyone handles death differently. Since she had this full amazing life and oddly because she passed on Joanna's first birthday I feel pretty okay. I don't feel that she was taken away too soon. I don't feel robbed of my Grandma. Yes, I'm sad and miss her already but I'm excited that she's in a better place. I'm excited to Joanna about her amazing Great Grandma. How special she is to be named after her. How special she is that she was able to let go of life after seeing her on her first birthday. I'll be able to tell Joanna that she laid in her bed and despite pain saw Joanna and reached out to hold her. Tears run down my face as I type this not just because it's sad but because it's AMAZING.

I will honor her memory everyday. I will thank God for the gift of life. I will thank Him for giving us all this time with her.

Joanna's Birthday 2/9/10

Joanna and Great Grandma playing

Joanna's the last day she saw Great Grandma 2/9/11

Blogging

Okay so this is my second attempt at starting a blog. I hope it goes better this time around. I love reading peoples blogs. I mostly love the honesty and windows into other people lives. It makes me feel like I'm not alone out here in my quest to become a better women, wife, and mother. I read tons of blogs written by amazing stay at home moms and stay at home working moms but none from any full time 9 to 5 moms. I feel like the kind of life us working moms live is totally different from stay at home moms. I don't feel like one is better than the other we're all trying yo meet the same goal. (Goal being raising happy healthy children.) I hope that maybe in writing my own blog I might help out another 9 to 5 mom. I might even help myself a little.